Fireworks, Excrement, & Glitter Beer

July 4, 2018

This is the America I will be celebrating today. 


Sometimes I forget that this is my personal blog, and I don't have to behave. So I'm going to add a bit more color to my "lifestyle" posts.


Last night I made the mistake of having coffee at midnight. But I had a valid excuse; I was trying to get work done and the wine was making me sleepy.


I finally fell asleep at 5:30 AM. I swear the birds started to wake up just to judge me. Every chirp sounded like, "You're a failure." But apparently criticisms are like a lullaby to me, because I fell right to sleep after that.

I definitely thought I was going to sleep through the 4th of July - fireworks and all. But alas, my dog woke me up 2 hours later. I'm now debating if I should just start drinking. Luckily it's a holiday, so the birds won't judge me for getting drunk before noon on a Wednesday. 



I can tell I'm getting old because I couldn't care less about this holiday - although, that may be because Trump is ruining our country. Either way, it's incredibly frustrating when I invite people over for a BBQ every year and they roll up like it's a high school graduation party or an open bar wedding. Your 8 oz. container of store bought potato salad does not equate to the rack of ribs, two cheeseburgers, and entire bottle of vodka you just consumed. It's like they want to get smacked. 


I literally just got heated thinking about that. Thankfully I'm not hosting a party this year. I thought about throwing a MAGA party and having Velveeta 21 ways, but I decided that I didn't want to make my friends irregular for two weeks.


Speaking of poop, another reason why I hate the 4th of July is because my poor dog can't even take a shit in peace. He got into his usual power squat last night, and then some jackass lit a bottle rocket in the field by my house. That turd of his got sucked right back into his body and he ran for his life. I've never seen him so scared. Normally he's fine around fireworks - in fact, he tends to sleep through them - but apparently that's only when he's in the house. I don't blame him though, thinking you might die when you're in a vulnerable position with your privates exposed, can really alter your way of thinking. Am I speaking from experience? Perhaps.


So I just got invited to go get "Glitter Beers" at a brewery around the corner from my house. What has this world come to?? Also, what are your poops like after that? Or does it get filtered into your urine...? Oh man, I'm genuinely curious now. I'll have to update you all later.


Anyway, this has been my life in pieces. Sometimes I feel like this is the best way to give you a glimpse into my ridiculous life. If you enjoy these little snippets, let me know.








Update: The glitter beer from Brewery Vivant was a raspberry saison named Dazzle. We even had the option to upgrade to the Pyrotechnic Mother Lode version which came with pop rocks. You can't make these things up, people. The taste was fine, but the thickness that the glitter added threw me off. I'm pretty sure my esophagus will forever look like a six year old's birthday party. 


As for my pee, it's clear. Still waiting on the poop results.

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